So. There was a last week. And a weekend. There were books to be read. Words to be written. Baseball and football to be watched. There was “The Masked Singer” (a not-so-secret indulgence). There was Stormageddon, cheeseballs, and stink bugs under the magnifying glass.
But when viewed through the filter of depression, all the good comes in shades of gray. It sucks. Depression. Life goes on around you and good things happen but all you see are the downs. Never the ups. You make lists of what needs to be doen and the you stare at the lists and get overwhelmed because you’ve been drown in the gray for so long that the list is huge and incomprehensible and because it is huge and incomprehsible every item on the list blurs into shades of gray and overwhelmed, you itnore it.
Yes. There are things to do. I’m doing them. The good news is, the last time it was this bad, I was up all night, sleeping all day, and basically doing only the basics to keep people from finding out and this went on for a couple of years until my brain righted itself and things got good again. It’s been a year but I sleep at night–mostly. I’ve gotten some things done. Not enough, but some things. I try every day at least. I haven’t given up. The voice in the dark says this is good, that I haven’t succumbed to the dark. As frustrating as it is, I am–in very minute increments–fighting back.
And y’all are helping. The cards. The emails. The smiles you send my way. Thank you. It’s hard not to sink back, thinking I’ve disappointed you, or betrayed you, or let you down in some way. That’s the dark voice in my head, the one that triggers all this bullshit. I know I’m not doing those things on one level and y’all remind me of that. Thank you.
One thing a day. That’s my goal. Check one thing on my list each day. It may take me another year but I’ll whittle it down. One daqy at a time.
May your week be filled with light and love and laughter and to my Canadian friends, Happy Thanksgiving!