My garden statue Nessie was mentioned earlier this week and I let it drop that she had a long story. Some old-timers might remember but that goes back years and years. So, because this has been one of those weeks and I’m feeling both a little sad and nostalgic yet hopeful, here’s the storied tale of Nessie.

The first pic was taken yesterday on a grey, cloudy day. The last picture was taken back in 2020 after a heavy snow. Nessie didn’t always have lights. In the beginning, it was just Nessie. It all started way back when. Only was playing travel league softball. We were in Arkansas for a tournament and driving down the hightway, we saw a roadside…well…garden statuary store. We stopped because they had a giant Nessie (aka a sea serpent aka the Loch Ness Monster) out front. By giant, I mean the head was as tall as me and I was 5’7″ at the time. I fell in love. Thing is, we weren’t in a truck, it was a long way from home so shipping would be a pain, and then we asked the price. That place was pretty darn proud of their cement. We got in the SUV and headed off.

I stated on the look out for another Nessie. I found one in a catalog but then discovered it was barely a foot tall. Cute if I was putting it into a landscaped back garden with flowerbeds and paths and the like. Fut my heart was set on a Nessie that would make a statement!

A couple of years later, I was headed to the airport and took a weird way due to an accident on the highway. That route took me by a local statuary place. I almost had a wreck because I was staring at all the items they’d set out. Seems the car in front of me was also staring and had hit their brakes. I hit mine just in time to leave a little rubber but no kissing of bumpers. I dropped off some stuff at the airport fire department and came home the same way. Yes, I stopped. Yes, I asked the price. And yes, I called Lawyer Guy to see if he could leave work and meet me there. He could and did. Money exchanged hands, there was much huffing and puffing as we loaded that first Nessie into his truck, followed by more once we got home.

Back then, Nessie had a head, one hump, and a tail. She also didn’t have lights, except at Christmas time. She’s had red, green, blue, and multi-twinkles. Every Christmas. The little kids loved her and some would sneak into the island so their parent could take a picture. It was all good. One year, I even put a wreath around her neck. Life in the driveway island was good for Nessie. For several years. And then…high school.

Only hit high school age and there were kids in the neighborhood. Boy-type kids. One post-Halloween day (like the morning after), we awoke to a Nessie who’d lost her head. The hump and tail remained but the head was gone. The window in Only’s bedroom (which is now my office) looks out over the driveway and island. Sadly, she was spending the night with friends after a party so nobody heard or saw anything. We had our suspicions but couldn’t prove anything. I did fill out a police report.

Sadly, the stuatury shop had no more Nessies. I told them my tale of woe and they promised to see if they could find a replacement. Then the place went out of business. About a year later, I noticed the store had reopened. I stopped in right as they were unloading a truck that had just arrived from a supplier they had in Mexico. I saw a tail. I saw a hump. And then I saw a head. NESSIE! I asked if I could by the head and explained why. I got a nope but they would give me a deal if I bought a whole Nessie. Hey, thought I. TWO HUMPS! And…two tails, which would look ridiculas. Still, I made the deal, called LG, and we now had a two-hump Nessie. Having learned, LG drilled a hole in her base, “cemented” in a big eye bolt, attached 1000 lb test oilfield chain and secured the chain around the oak tree with a padlock. I added the lights, to be left on her permanently so that anyone messing with her would be visible.

Our tale is about to come to an end. “What of the second tail?” you ask. At the time, one of our neighbors had two Dachshunds who dearly loved our big goofs. The weiners would dig under the fence to come play. We finally buried the tail “under” the fence that was their favorite place to dig. The couple eventually sold their house and moved off with the weinies and while I haven’t checked lately, that tail is still buried in the back yard. Some day, years from now, somebody will get a head-scratching surprise.

Oh, one last note. Someone did attempt to steal Nessie’s head a year or so after her revival. That oilfield chain worked like a charm. Have a great weekend, all. And Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there.